men!!! why are they so frustrating?
I was up to my armpits in work last week, not to mention running the girls everywhere and I still managed to fit in 5 house viewings as well as the hunting for the houses in the first place.
Then having found 2 that were nice I get the other half to come and look. Finally finally we find one that he likes the look of.
What happens next....? nothing, not a thing, he goes quiet on me the rest of the way home, broods about things till its time for him to head back down south and not a word of what's on his mind even when I ask.
Then today I think, what am I going to say when the estate agent calls - I mean its me at the end of the phone trying to think of something not him, but I have no control over getting his house done or sold.
So I get an email at the exact moment the estate agent rings to see what we thought. What does it say? basically - tell them what you like, its a nice house but we can't do anything about moving to it as mine isn't sold. He even then mentions doing up his place in hull and living there.... which not so long ago was completely out of the question.
Reading between the lines I do wonder if he just wants to move back there himself and go back to being single - he certainly was grumpy this weekend and it felt like he wanted to be alone. i know I wasn't fantastic and I am grumpy myself, but he was even worse. For the first time since we've been together he made me feel like the girls were in the way - something my ex used to do to them all the time and he hasn't ever done so far.
Maybe I'm just stressed with work that is going to ratshit and I'm tired and need a break not running about with chrismas looming. I don't know.
So I sent him a grumpy mail back and I've not heard from him at all.... makes me wonder if I'm ever going to hear from him again.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Saturday, November 27, 2004
New Diet & blood tests
I started a new diet on Thursday - from Herbal Life. My friend is a distributor and has been after me getting onto the weight loss program they do for ages. I finally decided that I should give it a go.
Its a drink-shake for breakfast and lunch and then a low carb meal with lots of veg for tea. You take vitamins & minerals with each meal and there is this stuff called Thermo tea to drink it. Its got natural caffeine in it and is as good as coffee for giving you that lift you need.
Well, as with all things like this I was very skeptical, but.... the first day I lost 3 pounds and this morning when I got on the scales I'd lost a further 2 pounds. Now while I've got about 8 stone to loose and 5 pounds isn't much, it does feel like I'm on the road to somewhere.
Of course being an old hand at many kinds of diets I know that you do loose a good deal in the first week - often just a whole load of water. But I've upped my water intake to over 2 litres a day, so I'm fairly certain its not to do with that.
On another positive note, I had a letter from the Doctor this morning following the blood test I went for on Wednesday. I've been really tired and crabby with mood swings and itchy skin for a while. Robin kept saying that the symptoms were of diabetes and I should get it checked. Well the 1st urine test wasn't normal, the second was. So I went and saw the doctor and asked for a blood test. She was reluctant to say the least. Gave me a lecture about not labeling people with things, as though she thought I wanted to be diabetic. I've watched Robin inject enough to know I don't want it, what I did want was an answer for the tiredness I've had recently.
So, she eventually agreed, after we'd spoken at cross purposes about a few things for a while - her command of English wasn't that good.
Had my arm stabbed on Wednesday and half emptied into little vials for the nurse. Letter today says that there was increased sugar in the blood and they want to do a fasting test on Thursday.
At the end of the day I don't mind what the outcome is, at least I've proved that there is a reason I've been so tired. Obviously I don't want to be diabetic and if they can pinpoint it now I can do something about its onset that would be the ideal. I know lots of people that manage to stave off full blown diabetes for ages with just diet alone. So fingers crossed!
Its a drink-shake for breakfast and lunch and then a low carb meal with lots of veg for tea. You take vitamins & minerals with each meal and there is this stuff called Thermo tea to drink it. Its got natural caffeine in it and is as good as coffee for giving you that lift you need.
Well, as with all things like this I was very skeptical, but.... the first day I lost 3 pounds and this morning when I got on the scales I'd lost a further 2 pounds. Now while I've got about 8 stone to loose and 5 pounds isn't much, it does feel like I'm on the road to somewhere.
Of course being an old hand at many kinds of diets I know that you do loose a good deal in the first week - often just a whole load of water. But I've upped my water intake to over 2 litres a day, so I'm fairly certain its not to do with that.
On another positive note, I had a letter from the Doctor this morning following the blood test I went for on Wednesday. I've been really tired and crabby with mood swings and itchy skin for a while. Robin kept saying that the symptoms were of diabetes and I should get it checked. Well the 1st urine test wasn't normal, the second was. So I went and saw the doctor and asked for a blood test. She was reluctant to say the least. Gave me a lecture about not labeling people with things, as though she thought I wanted to be diabetic. I've watched Robin inject enough to know I don't want it, what I did want was an answer for the tiredness I've had recently.
So, she eventually agreed, after we'd spoken at cross purposes about a few things for a while - her command of English wasn't that good.
Had my arm stabbed on Wednesday and half emptied into little vials for the nurse. Letter today says that there was increased sugar in the blood and they want to do a fasting test on Thursday.
At the end of the day I don't mind what the outcome is, at least I've proved that there is a reason I've been so tired. Obviously I don't want to be diabetic and if they can pinpoint it now I can do something about its onset that would be the ideal. I know lots of people that manage to stave off full blown diabetes for ages with just diet alone. So fingers crossed!
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Paranoia
Had a great weekend, sorted out the horny problem from last week and now feel satiated, although how long for I don't know.
Had a bit of a shock Sunday morning, just coming too - woken by a child bouncing on me. What were the first words out of her mouth? "are you and Robin going to get married" !!! Sheer panic ran through my very fuzzy brain, so I did what mum's do best and deflected the question. "ask Robin" says I and I attempt to change the subject.
Now I know that they had been watching TV, so it makes you wonder what exactly they had been watching? Of course the questions didn't stop there "do you love him more than..." Etc. It was so embarrassing. They were precisely the sort of questions to make Robin panic and while I've almost forgotten his tendency to free fall panic and running away, I bet he hasn't and the last thing I need is for him to think that I'd put the girls up to it.
I mean, in theory getting married to him would be lovely and I can get enthusiastic on a girlie level for the idea of it and mentally plan locations and the like. But and its a huge BUT in reality the whole idea of marriage has many facets to it and not all good ones.
There's the religious bit in me that would like to be married as well as thinking it would set a good example to the girls and I'm worried about what sort of example I set at the moment. I don't want them to sleep around and I do want them to get married for love and stay married - unlike me.
There is the need for security - after the last relationship and its downfall and the disastrous consequences of it I feel like it would be nice to have the comfort of a wedding ring on my hand. But then again I've been married once before and I know it doesn't always work out regardless of how much I want marriage to be for life. But needing security isn't a good reason for getting married.
I know I love him and he completes me in so many ways and I want to feel proud to be his wife, but I want to be sure that the feelings aren't going to change and that he feels the same way about me. What I don't want to do is feel like I've pushed him into something he doesn't want to do. Besides, I really want to do something about loosing weight before I even think about getting married.
And then again there is this sneaking niggle in the back of my mind about how I would react if I was really asked, seriously asked to Marry him. Would I panic and run as a pre emptive strike against being married and then him leaving me?
Or am I just confusing concerns about moving in together in a different property with the marriage concept? Its ok living here together - if it doesn't work out for any reason I've still got somewhere to live, but once I move from here Jacqui will sell this place and then if things don't work out I'm back to square one again but this time with no safety net to fall back on.
Just re-read that, and yep I'm a paranoid mess. Either that or I think too much and too deeply about things, still at least once you've identified neuroses you can do something about facing them.... or so they say!
Oh well, time to put the paranoia back in the box for a while and get on with some work.
Had a bit of a shock Sunday morning, just coming too - woken by a child bouncing on me. What were the first words out of her mouth? "are you and Robin going to get married" !!! Sheer panic ran through my very fuzzy brain, so I did what mum's do best and deflected the question. "ask Robin" says I and I attempt to change the subject.
Now I know that they had been watching TV, so it makes you wonder what exactly they had been watching? Of course the questions didn't stop there "do you love him more than..." Etc. It was so embarrassing. They were precisely the sort of questions to make Robin panic and while I've almost forgotten his tendency to free fall panic and running away, I bet he hasn't and the last thing I need is for him to think that I'd put the girls up to it.
I mean, in theory getting married to him would be lovely and I can get enthusiastic on a girlie level for the idea of it and mentally plan locations and the like. But and its a huge BUT in reality the whole idea of marriage has many facets to it and not all good ones.
There's the religious bit in me that would like to be married as well as thinking it would set a good example to the girls and I'm worried about what sort of example I set at the moment. I don't want them to sleep around and I do want them to get married for love and stay married - unlike me.
There is the need for security - after the last relationship and its downfall and the disastrous consequences of it I feel like it would be nice to have the comfort of a wedding ring on my hand. But then again I've been married once before and I know it doesn't always work out regardless of how much I want marriage to be for life. But needing security isn't a good reason for getting married.
I know I love him and he completes me in so many ways and I want to feel proud to be his wife, but I want to be sure that the feelings aren't going to change and that he feels the same way about me. What I don't want to do is feel like I've pushed him into something he doesn't want to do. Besides, I really want to do something about loosing weight before I even think about getting married.
And then again there is this sneaking niggle in the back of my mind about how I would react if I was really asked, seriously asked to Marry him. Would I panic and run as a pre emptive strike against being married and then him leaving me?
Or am I just confusing concerns about moving in together in a different property with the marriage concept? Its ok living here together - if it doesn't work out for any reason I've still got somewhere to live, but once I move from here Jacqui will sell this place and then if things don't work out I'm back to square one again but this time with no safety net to fall back on.
Just re-read that, and yep I'm a paranoid mess. Either that or I think too much and too deeply about things, still at least once you've identified neuroses you can do something about facing them.... or so they say!
Oh well, time to put the paranoia back in the box for a while and get on with some work.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Horny....
like hell.... and Robin is away for the week working. Normally I have a kind of background horniness which is ok and I can cope with. Its like an annoying niggle that you can ignore most of the time but flares up occasionally. But this week has been awful - sort of migraine like in comparison to a headache type thing. Why I've no idea, but I wish to God Robin was here to make the most of it with.
Instead I've had to rely on the old battery powered friend - which helped to a certain extent, but not really. Knowing my luck though this feeling will have subsided by the time Robin gets home.
Actually, thinking about it, its probably linked to the mid point of my monthly cycle around which times I do usually get a bit more interested in sex and the like. (well its natures way of perpetuating the species) but this month is far worse.
And with the horniness has come a huge wave of kinkiness too. Which again ebbs and peaks but is worse this week.I don't often talk about my kinks on here, but basically I like BDSM, I'm a submissive and proud of it. [Which isn't an excuse for a whole load of HNG's (Horny Net Geeks) to start mailing me as I only submit to one person and that is Robin.] But with him working away I rarely get time to be able to do that. What with needing to get the girls out of the house while we play and him be home and neither of us ill.... you get the picture on how hard it is to play.
Now while I understand all of the above reasons on an intellectual level, I think that the link that tells my body that is missing. All of which means I've been walking about, dreaming of and constantly thinking of a good session where I'm bound and submit and get a good spanking etc ... you get the picture. In fact its probably just as well I'm not male or the hard on in my trousers would be obvious to all and really hard to hide. I guess God did know what he was doing when he made me female after all!
On a completely different note, I'm taking my daughter to the cinema tomorrow with a few friends as a belated birthday treat. 4 girls, one boy aged 6-8 and two adults (I roped a friend into coming too) how hard can it be.... Cinema, popcorn, fizzy pop.... oh God its going to be a nightmare. Please let the film be watchable and not like the pokemon film a friend of mine endured.
At least from what I've heard Shark Tale gets a good press......
Instead I've had to rely on the old battery powered friend - which helped to a certain extent, but not really. Knowing my luck though this feeling will have subsided by the time Robin gets home.
Actually, thinking about it, its probably linked to the mid point of my monthly cycle around which times I do usually get a bit more interested in sex and the like. (well its natures way of perpetuating the species) but this month is far worse.
And with the horniness has come a huge wave of kinkiness too. Which again ebbs and peaks but is worse this week.I don't often talk about my kinks on here, but basically I like BDSM, I'm a submissive and proud of it. [Which isn't an excuse for a whole load of HNG's (Horny Net Geeks) to start mailing me as I only submit to one person and that is Robin.] But with him working away I rarely get time to be able to do that. What with needing to get the girls out of the house while we play and him be home and neither of us ill.... you get the picture on how hard it is to play.
Now while I understand all of the above reasons on an intellectual level, I think that the link that tells my body that is missing. All of which means I've been walking about, dreaming of and constantly thinking of a good session where I'm bound and submit and get a good spanking etc ... you get the picture. In fact its probably just as well I'm not male or the hard on in my trousers would be obvious to all and really hard to hide. I guess God did know what he was doing when he made me female after all!
On a completely different note, I'm taking my daughter to the cinema tomorrow with a few friends as a belated birthday treat. 4 girls, one boy aged 6-8 and two adults (I roped a friend into coming too) how hard can it be.... Cinema, popcorn, fizzy pop.... oh God its going to be a nightmare. Please let the film be watchable and not like the pokemon film a friend of mine endured.
At least from what I've heard Shark Tale gets a good press......
Saturday, October 16, 2004
The bored child from hell
Well, after a week of battling with my oldest daughter, who's behaviour has been off the scale horrible, we finally managed to get some answers from her. She's bored at school! Apparently the work is too easy and some of it she did in year 2 when we were down south. All well and good, but she's in year 3 now.
So, I'm off to the bookshop for a guide to the national curriculum and some workbooks to see if I can organise some kind of programme of work for her outside of school to keep her interested.
Then on monday I'll be booking an appointment with the teacher about her work and we will see where we go from there.
But at least for now Robin is home and we can divide and conquer with the girls and we can take one each.
Hopefully we can have a nice weekend, but I'm not holding my breath!!
So, I'm off to the bookshop for a guide to the national curriculum and some workbooks to see if I can organise some kind of programme of work for her outside of school to keep her interested.
Then on monday I'll be booking an appointment with the teacher about her work and we will see where we go from there.
But at least for now Robin is home and we can divide and conquer with the girls and we can take one each.
Hopefully we can have a nice weekend, but I'm not holding my breath!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Tired
Sooooo tired and I don't know why. All I want to do is sleep. I'm supposed to be going to my exercise class today but I really can't muster the energy to drive there never mind doing some exercising. 
On a positive note, we finally ordered the new washing machine at the weekend and it should be here on friday.... can't wait... I'm so excited its like a child waiting for christmas. Which is actually quite sad really that I should get that excited over a washing machine!
On a positive note, we finally ordered the new washing machine at the weekend and it should be here on friday.... can't wait... I'm so excited its like a child waiting for christmas. Which is actually quite sad really that I should get that excited over a washing machine!
Friday, October 08, 2004
Friday, yehay!!
Thank goodness its friday, it seems like its been a long week on one hand, but on the other the time has sped past.
At least the much beloved will be home this evening and I can have a hug.
The new exercise classes are starting to have some effect I think - well at least I'm going to them. I'm off in a mo for a walk - not far, just to put a repeat prescription request into the doctors. But as I would usually take the car and it should take about half an hour to get there and back I think it qualifies as my exercise for the day.
Looking at Christine's school shoes today I really must get her some new ones, so I guess its into town after school for clarkes. I might even treat myself to a decent pair of trainers while I'm there so I can do all this exercise in comfort - the one's I've got at the moment are truely awful.
Other news this week - Robin has offered to pay for an after school activity for each of the girls. Katherine can't decide between piano lessons and gymnastics and Christine is torn between dance and horse riding.
I can just imagine her - it will be like those cartoons - Thewell was it? But as long as she enjoys it and doesn't fall off I guess it is ok.
At least the much beloved will be home this evening and I can have a hug.
The new exercise classes are starting to have some effect I think - well at least I'm going to them. I'm off in a mo for a walk - not far, just to put a repeat prescription request into the doctors. But as I would usually take the car and it should take about half an hour to get there and back I think it qualifies as my exercise for the day.
Looking at Christine's school shoes today I really must get her some new ones, so I guess its into town after school for clarkes. I might even treat myself to a decent pair of trainers while I'm there so I can do all this exercise in comfort - the one's I've got at the moment are truely awful.
Other news this week - Robin has offered to pay for an after school activity for each of the girls. Katherine can't decide between piano lessons and gymnastics and Christine is torn between dance and horse riding.
I can just imagine her - it will be like those cartoons - Thewell was it? But as long as she enjoys it and doesn't fall off I guess it is ok.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Why?
Why is it that the good ones seem to die young, while us miserable, not so good ones seemingly go on forever?
I spoke to Sarah tonight and she kind of has the results from her recent sets of tests - they didn't find any tumours in her liver but they do think the cancer has spread into her lymphoma (?) system. I know what the word is but can't think how to spell it.
From the little I do know about cancer and its course through the body (which really isn't much) even I can tell she isn't going to be with us for much longer.
How she copes with knowing she is going to die I'll never know, she is showing far more courage than I ever could. She will be leaving behind a husband and 4 children (one with Downs syndrome and a baby of 9 months- Rebekah, my God Daughter) and yet she is always calm and upbeat about the future.
Being so far away geographically is really hard as I feel like I'm not able to do anything from this distance except call her on the phone and visit as often as I can. I know this isn't about me - I've got nothing wrong with me and I'm not going to die imminently, but I have to say that I know I will miss Sarah immensely when she dies. In the short three years that I have known her, she has been so much of a really good friend to me its been amazing. Always there when I've needed her, willing to help and listen. I feel like in her hour of need I'm letting her down, as there is nothing I can do. At least we have some warning about this and we can treasure what time we have got left. And in the future I've got Rebekah to look out for. (For those of you who don't know, Rebekah was born on Boxing Day at 26 & half weeks gestation at 2 & a half pounds) I feel very honoured to be her God Mother and intend to do my best for her as I can only imagine how hard it will be for her growing up without a mum.
I'm off to pray and to hold my teddy tight and remember the good times with Sarah and thank God for them.
I spoke to Sarah tonight and she kind of has the results from her recent sets of tests - they didn't find any tumours in her liver but they do think the cancer has spread into her lymphoma (?) system. I know what the word is but can't think how to spell it.
From the little I do know about cancer and its course through the body (which really isn't much) even I can tell she isn't going to be with us for much longer.
How she copes with knowing she is going to die I'll never know, she is showing far more courage than I ever could. She will be leaving behind a husband and 4 children (one with Downs syndrome and a baby of 9 months- Rebekah, my God Daughter) and yet she is always calm and upbeat about the future.
Being so far away geographically is really hard as I feel like I'm not able to do anything from this distance except call her on the phone and visit as often as I can. I know this isn't about me - I've got nothing wrong with me and I'm not going to die imminently, but I have to say that I know I will miss Sarah immensely when she dies. In the short three years that I have known her, she has been so much of a really good friend to me its been amazing. Always there when I've needed her, willing to help and listen. I feel like in her hour of need I'm letting her down, as there is nothing I can do. At least we have some warning about this and we can treasure what time we have got left. And in the future I've got Rebekah to look out for. (For those of you who don't know, Rebekah was born on Boxing Day at 26 & half weeks gestation at 2 & a half pounds) I feel very honoured to be her God Mother and intend to do my best for her as I can only imagine how hard it will be for her growing up without a mum.
I'm off to pray and to hold my teddy tight and remember the good times with Sarah and thank God for them.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Good night's sleep
Yehay, I finally got a good night's sleep. It feels like its been a long time where I've had a complete, unbroken and long night's sleep. 
Mind you I still feel like I could do with a few more. Oh well, I guess you can't have everything.
Rang the local councellor this morning to complain about the youths that insist on congregating behind the house and making all sorts of noise late at night. Actually felt like someone was listening. Mind you, could well just have been politician speak so I'm not holding my breath on any outcomes.
Off to pick Jacqui up and then we are both going to watch a Pilates class prior to joining in next week. Should be interesting and from what I've seen, doesn't require anything like co-ordination which is always good.
Anyway, roll on tomorrow night when I can have a big hug from the much beloved. It feels like its been a long time since I had a cuddle, even though it was only monday morning!
Mind you I still feel like I could do with a few more. Oh well, I guess you can't have everything.
Rang the local councellor this morning to complain about the youths that insist on congregating behind the house and making all sorts of noise late at night. Actually felt like someone was listening. Mind you, could well just have been politician speak so I'm not holding my breath on any outcomes.
Off to pick Jacqui up and then we are both going to watch a Pilates class prior to joining in next week. Should be interesting and from what I've seen, doesn't require anything like co-ordination which is always good.
Anyway, roll on tomorrow night when I can have a big hug from the much beloved. It feels like its been a long time since I had a cuddle, even though it was only monday morning!
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Good life
Life is ticking along nicely, Robin and I and the girls are settling into the family bit nicely.
We had a lovely sunday afternoon the other week all playing games on the lounge floor.
Its really nice to just spend time as a family, not only for the girls but for me too. As an only child I can't remember playing many family games and sometimes I feel like I'm catching up on my childhood.
That said, I'm feeling mentally better too, the depression is starting to lift. I had my last councelling session last week and I'm not petrified about the ending of it. I feel more secure in the knowledge of support from family and friends.... and if I feel like I'm slipping down again I know where to go.
We keep looking at houses, but I know that it will be a good year till we move, and to be honest I'm in no hurry to do so. But I do like looking at houses and having a little daydream about living in a larger house where the girls can have a room apiece and I can get the computer out of my bedroom. On the other hand I've still got boxes about from the last move, and I am worried about moving the girls again. So I'm content to stay here and sort things out, so that we have got wardrobes and storage space and a garden the girls can play in.
I've recently started to get a bit interested in my garden - only small steps but at least there is a small part of the wildernesses that are my garden that are now tended... by next summer I might even have got the back garden under some sort of control!
Well I'm off to relax and unwind after another bout of exercise today, the girls are nearly in bed and west wing is on later.
We had a lovely sunday afternoon the other week all playing games on the lounge floor.
Its really nice to just spend time as a family, not only for the girls but for me too. As an only child I can't remember playing many family games and sometimes I feel like I'm catching up on my childhood.
That said, I'm feeling mentally better too, the depression is starting to lift. I had my last councelling session last week and I'm not petrified about the ending of it. I feel more secure in the knowledge of support from family and friends.... and if I feel like I'm slipping down again I know where to go.
We keep looking at houses, but I know that it will be a good year till we move, and to be honest I'm in no hurry to do so. But I do like looking at houses and having a little daydream about living in a larger house where the girls can have a room apiece and I can get the computer out of my bedroom. On the other hand I've still got boxes about from the last move, and I am worried about moving the girls again. So I'm content to stay here and sort things out, so that we have got wardrobes and storage space and a garden the girls can play in.
I've recently started to get a bit interested in my garden - only small steps but at least there is a small part of the wildernesses that are my garden that are now tended... by next summer I might even have got the back garden under some sort of control!
Well I'm off to relax and unwind after another bout of exercise today, the girls are nearly in bed and west wing is on later.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Catching up
Well, the last time I sat to write my Blog my lovely computer decided to crash on me…. After a good kicking it seems to be ok, so I thought I’d give it another go.
It’s been rather a while since I last blogged and much has happened in that time. My relationship with Robin has gone from strength to strength and we have settled into a comfortable routine. The summer holidays have been and gone, one child was late back to school as she developed a nasty ear infection the day before they were due to return and I've put stacks of weight on. I have decided to do something about the latter and have signed up for the Bradford Beep program to help with fitness and exercise.... should be interesting!
Robin is working away at the moment, so he is down near London during the week and then home with the girls and me at the weekend. It is a lot of driving and to be honest I worry about how he is coping with the isolation of being by yourself all the time during the week. I know I find it hard, but at least I can pick up the phone and chat with people or converse with the other mums at school
On a different track I’ve found an MA course that I like the look of at Huddersfield University and I’m really tempted. It is on Religion and Education In Contemporary Society and follows on really well from my degree with an idea of going into teaching at A level or above. The only problem is that it costs more than I have got at the moment. So I need to decide if I think I can scrape enough money together by January and do it a bit out of sync or to wait till next September which is a year away, but by then I should have the money saved and Robin might be working locally which would make the child care issues much easier – or it might be a different night every other fortnight rather than a Wednesday which is choir night as it stands. Decisions decisions… I’m hopeless at them and I hate making them.
Anyway, I’m off to savour my newly discovered pleasure – “Silent Witness” and put my feet up for a bit. Tomorrow is the first session in the beep plan – should be a laugh if nothing else!
It’s been rather a while since I last blogged and much has happened in that time. My relationship with Robin has gone from strength to strength and we have settled into a comfortable routine. The summer holidays have been and gone, one child was late back to school as she developed a nasty ear infection the day before they were due to return and I've put stacks of weight on. I have decided to do something about the latter and have signed up for the Bradford Beep program to help with fitness and exercise.... should be interesting!
Robin is working away at the moment, so he is down near London during the week and then home with the girls and me at the weekend. It is a lot of driving and to be honest I worry about how he is coping with the isolation of being by yourself all the time during the week. I know I find it hard, but at least I can pick up the phone and chat with people or converse with the other mums at school
On a different track I’ve found an MA course that I like the look of at Huddersfield University and I’m really tempted. It is on Religion and Education In Contemporary Society and follows on really well from my degree with an idea of going into teaching at A level or above. The only problem is that it costs more than I have got at the moment. So I need to decide if I think I can scrape enough money together by January and do it a bit out of sync or to wait till next September which is a year away, but by then I should have the money saved and Robin might be working locally which would make the child care issues much easier – or it might be a different night every other fortnight rather than a Wednesday which is choir night as it stands. Decisions decisions… I’m hopeless at them and I hate making them.
Anyway, I’m off to savour my newly discovered pleasure – “Silent Witness” and put my feet up for a bit. Tomorrow is the first session in the beep plan – should be a laugh if nothing else!
Monday, August 09, 2004
Been a while
Well, its been ages since I sat and wrote, and so much has happened in the meantime.
Robin and I sorted our little tiff out - I acted like a mature adult (a first for me in an argument) and he talked to me and said he wasn't feeling well. Turned out he had an upper respiratory tract infection and was feeling really rough.
Mind you he did realize that I'm not a mind reader and it helps to tell me if he is feeling ill, as I've not known him long enough to be able to read the signs.
Still a quick trip to the Drs and some tablets later he was feeling much better. So much so that he took the girls out on Friday to the National Railway Museum in York so I could get on with some work.
The upshot of which was that the girls (And Robin) had a whale of a time and I finished making calls five minutes before they all came bouncing through the door.
Saturday we went to look at two houses that were for sale; one was "the house doctor" meets "the Stepford wives" really nice but soulless, bland and characterless.
The other one was to die for, Lovely old weavers cottage, 6 bedrooms on three floors, light airy, lovely garden with loads of potential..... Just one down side ..... at the moment its beyond our price range. Give it 6 months and it would be a different picture, but at the moment its not going to happen. I seriously doubt though that the house will still be on the market in 6 days time never mind 6 months.
Still some things are meant to be and for now its obviously not meant to be... Perhaps there is something better down the road for us.
I realized yesterday that with the time Robin has been here (while he's not been working and the time I'd known him before that), we've had the equivalent of 6 months together (if we'd only been seeing each other at weekends). It kind of explained a lot when I worked it out, as it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have, more settled and permanent.
Robin went to start his new job yesterday - its down south, so he traveled down to a b&b yesterday to be fresh for this morning. There were tears all round as he left, more here
after he had gone and I'm fairly certain there were a few in the car as he was driving. The girls and I are missing him like mad. I keep telling them he will be back at the weekend but that might just as well be next year to them at the moment.
I spoke to him tonight, which was good, but hard. He felt so far away on the phone and all I wanted to do was hold him and be held in his arms. I didn't say too much about how much I was missing him as I got the feeling that it wouldn't help him much being stuck in a room by himself.
I'm sure that we will all settle into the routine of things and this 6 months will pass really quickly - at least I hope it will and if I keep telling myself it, hopefully I will start to believe it too.
Still there is one good thing to him being away - I get the bed to myself and I can snore to my hearts content without being elbowed and I don't get woken by his snoring. So there is some good!
I'm off to bed now to think of him and possibly write him a
note or two while the girls aren't about and I can think straight.
Robin and I sorted our little tiff out - I acted like a mature adult (a first for me in an argument) and he talked to me and said he wasn't feeling well. Turned out he had an upper respiratory tract infection and was feeling really rough.
Mind you he did realize that I'm not a mind reader and it helps to tell me if he is feeling ill, as I've not known him long enough to be able to read the signs.
Still a quick trip to the Drs and some tablets later he was feeling much better. So much so that he took the girls out on Friday to the National Railway Museum in York so I could get on with some work.
The upshot of which was that the girls (And Robin) had a whale of a time and I finished making calls five minutes before they all came bouncing through the door.
Saturday we went to look at two houses that were for sale; one was "the house doctor" meets "the Stepford wives" really nice but soulless, bland and characterless.
The other one was to die for, Lovely old weavers cottage, 6 bedrooms on three floors, light airy, lovely garden with loads of potential..... Just one down side ..... at the moment its beyond our price range. Give it 6 months and it would be a different picture, but at the moment its not going to happen. I seriously doubt though that the house will still be on the market in 6 days time never mind 6 months.
Still some things are meant to be and for now its obviously not meant to be... Perhaps there is something better down the road for us.
I realized yesterday that with the time Robin has been here (while he's not been working and the time I'd known him before that), we've had the equivalent of 6 months together (if we'd only been seeing each other at weekends). It kind of explained a lot when I worked it out, as it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have, more settled and permanent.
Robin went to start his new job yesterday - its down south, so he traveled down to a b&b yesterday to be fresh for this morning. There were tears all round as he left, more here
after he had gone and I'm fairly certain there were a few in the car as he was driving. The girls and I are missing him like mad. I keep telling them he will be back at the weekend but that might just as well be next year to them at the moment.
I spoke to him tonight, which was good, but hard. He felt so far away on the phone and all I wanted to do was hold him and be held in his arms. I didn't say too much about how much I was missing him as I got the feeling that it wouldn't help him much being stuck in a room by himself.
I'm sure that we will all settle into the routine of things and this 6 months will pass really quickly - at least I hope it will and if I keep telling myself it, hopefully I will start to believe it too.
Still there is one good thing to him being away - I get the bed to myself and I can snore to my hearts content without being elbowed and I don't get woken by his snoring. So there is some good!
I'm off to bed now to think of him and possibly write him a
note or two while the girls aren't about and I can think straight.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Spoken too soon
Well, I guess it was too much to last - the lack of cross words. Although the strange and really unusual thing for me is that I haven't come out with them.
Normally when I'm angry I scream and shout and do the adult version of throwing a tantrum and stamping my feet, but not today - perhaps I am growing up after all.
So why was I angry - well, lets see, Robin had agreed to do some child care for me this week so I could work on something, and today he wouldn't get out of bed. By 1.30 I had steam coming out of my ears.
I needed some bits doing in town (namely a cheque paying in today so it would clear by Friday) and we needed some bits from Morrisons. I'd asked Robin if he fancied taking the girls into town thinking I could get some work done while they were all out. His response was to go back to sleep and snore.
So I made the girls put their shoes on and went into town myself, did the bits that needed doing, let them have Mcdonalds (which tasted truly vile) and went to Morrison's and came home.
Luckily for him Robin was washed and dressed by the time I got back, but I was still steaming.
It wasn't so much that he hadn't done what I'd wanted, it was the feeling of being let down over the agreement for working. I checked with him before I took the job on, and I felt like he wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain.
I felt betrayed and hurt, frustrated and lost. I know a lot of the feelings weren't to do with what had happened, but were flash backs to old hurts from previous people and that I was responding to other people in a way, but the feelings were there none the less.
I guess it hasn't helped that my back is really really sore today, like I've never known it to be, and my period is starting, so I'm a bit on edge anyway.
I know too that I am really not looking forward to Robin being away during the week starting from next week. Part of me feels like a spoiled child that wants to stamp her foot and say its not fair and I don't want you to go.
But the practical, logical side knows that it is what has to be done, and any job is better than none. I know that there are bills to be payed, and Robin needed a job for himself, and the money will benefit all of us. But it still doesn't stop me not wanting to loose him during the week.
I guess its because I'm insecure in myself that I worry he will become distant while he is working away and our relationship will fall apart. I guess we are still so new together that I don't have confidence in how he feels for me, not to mention having confidence in myself - that someone would like me and love me and want to come home to me at the end of the week.
So instead tonight I've been distant and remote, I don't know how to let these feelings go, to stop holding it against him.
He is trying, he cooked tea, played with the girls and even washed up tonight, I know he is sorry and is aware he upset me. Perhaps a good night's sleep will put it behind us and we will be ok. But I really don't want the night to end on a sour note. 'Cause I do love him, even when I'm being bad tempered and crotchety.
Normally when I'm angry I scream and shout and do the adult version of throwing a tantrum and stamping my feet, but not today - perhaps I am growing up after all.
So why was I angry - well, lets see, Robin had agreed to do some child care for me this week so I could work on something, and today he wouldn't get out of bed. By 1.30 I had steam coming out of my ears.
I needed some bits doing in town (namely a cheque paying in today so it would clear by Friday) and we needed some bits from Morrisons. I'd asked Robin if he fancied taking the girls into town thinking I could get some work done while they were all out. His response was to go back to sleep and snore.
So I made the girls put their shoes on and went into town myself, did the bits that needed doing, let them have Mcdonalds (which tasted truly vile) and went to Morrison's and came home.
Luckily for him Robin was washed and dressed by the time I got back, but I was still steaming.
It wasn't so much that he hadn't done what I'd wanted, it was the feeling of being let down over the agreement for working. I checked with him before I took the job on, and I felt like he wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain.
I felt betrayed and hurt, frustrated and lost. I know a lot of the feelings weren't to do with what had happened, but were flash backs to old hurts from previous people and that I was responding to other people in a way, but the feelings were there none the less.
I guess it hasn't helped that my back is really really sore today, like I've never known it to be, and my period is starting, so I'm a bit on edge anyway.
I know too that I am really not looking forward to Robin being away during the week starting from next week. Part of me feels like a spoiled child that wants to stamp her foot and say its not fair and I don't want you to go.
But the practical, logical side knows that it is what has to be done, and any job is better than none. I know that there are bills to be payed, and Robin needed a job for himself, and the money will benefit all of us. But it still doesn't stop me not wanting to loose him during the week.
I guess its because I'm insecure in myself that I worry he will become distant while he is working away and our relationship will fall apart. I guess we are still so new together that I don't have confidence in how he feels for me, not to mention having confidence in myself - that someone would like me and love me and want to come home to me at the end of the week.
So instead tonight I've been distant and remote, I don't know how to let these feelings go, to stop holding it against him.
He is trying, he cooked tea, played with the girls and even washed up tonight, I know he is sorry and is aware he upset me. Perhaps a good night's sleep will put it behind us and we will be ok. But I really don't want the night to end on a sour note. 'Cause I do love him, even when I'm being bad tempered and crotchety.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Good news
Good news, Robin finally got a contract for 6 months and the pay is really good. Although the down side is that it is near London so he will be working away during the week and then back here at weekends. 
I know he has to do it and that it makes sense and its the right thing etc, but I am going to miss him. There's the snoring for one thing and then there is the bed hogging and the duvet stealing. Mind you, I've been told I'm just as bad as he is.
We worked out today that he has been here for nearly a month - not bad for an upset person on the end of the phone I said come on over to. But.... the thing is, that despite the stress, the children, the heat, the pmt, the job hunting, despite all of that, we have got on really well and not had a cross word.
Lots of cuddles and kisses and other things, but not cross words.
I realised to that I can actually see a long distance future. Sitting in front of a fire when we are both old, playing games and doing the crossword together. Not that I want to panic him by talk about the future etc, but I wasn't able to envisage that with Cris and I think it makes all the difference.
Went to meet his family yesterday for a bbq at his sisters house.
My God was I nervous before we got there. I really felt ill in the car on the way there, and wanted to go home again. I think I was expecting to have everyone look down their noses at me and be generally horrible - much like the last few families I've had to meet in this situation. But to my surprise, everyone was really nice, friendly and chatty. One of my main concerns had been the children misbehaving and showing us all up, but I couldn't have asked for them to be better behaved, they were really great 
I even got a good review from his sister and mother when he spoke to them later, which was even nicer to hear. I guess I'm just used to people not liking me, and find it hard to accept that some people might actually find me ok.
Thinking about it, its almost like the last few weeks with Robin have been a lifetime in miniature and they have been good weeks. I feel like it bodes well for our relationship and how it will go. Its too soon to be planning for a retirement together or any other long term ideas, but it is nice to have that glimpse into a possible future, and for it to be good and happy.
On that happy note I'm off to bed to cuddle my teddy
and dream of Robin.
I know he has to do it and that it makes sense and its the right thing etc, but I am going to miss him. There's the snoring for one thing and then there is the bed hogging and the duvet stealing. Mind you, I've been told I'm just as bad as he is.
We worked out today that he has been here for nearly a month - not bad for an upset person on the end of the phone I said come on over to. But.... the thing is, that despite the stress, the children, the heat, the pmt, the job hunting, despite all of that, we have got on really well and not had a cross word.
Lots of cuddles and kisses and other things, but not cross words.
I realised to that I can actually see a long distance future. Sitting in front of a fire when we are both old, playing games and doing the crossword together. Not that I want to panic him by talk about the future etc, but I wasn't able to envisage that with Cris and I think it makes all the difference.
Went to meet his family yesterday for a bbq at his sisters house.
My God was I nervous before we got there. I really felt ill in the car on the way there, and wanted to go home again. I think I was expecting to have everyone look down their noses at me and be generally horrible - much like the last few families I've had to meet in this situation. But to my surprise, everyone was really nice, friendly and chatty. One of my main concerns had been the children misbehaving and showing us all up, but I couldn't have asked for them to be better behaved, they were really great
I even got a good review from his sister and mother when he spoke to them later, which was even nicer to hear. I guess I'm just used to people not liking me, and find it hard to accept that some people might actually find me ok.
Thinking about it, its almost like the last few weeks with Robin have been a lifetime in miniature and they have been good weeks. I feel like it bodes well for our relationship and how it will go. Its too soon to be planning for a retirement together or any other long term ideas, but it is nice to have that glimpse into a possible future, and for it to be good and happy.
On that happy note I'm off to bed to cuddle my teddy
and dream of Robin.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Unusual Responsibility
Its strange really, for most of my life I've been either part of a couple where we both work or not working. Suddenly I find myself as the partner that is working when the other one isn't.
Its odd, unusual but ultimately not so bad.
And I get to spend ages on the phone chatting to people under the pretext of working. Not such a bad life really.
As I've said before though, the difference here is that Robin is so supportive and shares the responsibility of family life really well. Ok so he doesn't do housework but as he said the other day, he doesn't do it at home either. As I hate it too perhaps a maid might be a good idea, that or get the children to do more. No point in having them and not utilizing them!
Still at least I can get him to wash up occasionally and he does wash up when I ask nicely.
Its school sports day today and the girls are really keen for me to go this afternoon.
I would have weakened and agreed to go, but then the topic of the parents race came up
and they are insistent that if I go I will have to race, at which point I refused point blank. If you'd seen me you would understand, anyone less likely to run a race you haven't met!
Oh well, back to work I guess.
Its odd, unusual but ultimately not so bad.
And I get to spend ages on the phone chatting to people under the pretext of working. Not such a bad life really.
As I've said before though, the difference here is that Robin is so supportive and shares the responsibility of family life really well. Ok so he doesn't do housework but as he said the other day, he doesn't do it at home either. As I hate it too perhaps a maid might be a good idea, that or get the children to do more. No point in having them and not utilizing them!
Still at least I can get him to wash up occasionally and he does wash up when I ask nicely.
Its school sports day today and the girls are really keen for me to go this afternoon.
I would have weakened and agreed to go, but then the topic of the parents race came up
and they are insistent that if I go I will have to race, at which point I refused point blank. If you'd seen me you would understand, anyone less likely to run a race you haven't met!
Oh well, back to work I guess.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Support
So here's the thing, I'm up here, supposedly working for a living, and what are the girls and Robin doing? Craft - glass painting to be more precise.
This whole senario is strange, and I love every minute of it. The more time I spend with Robin and the more he interacts with the family the more I love him. He is understanding of my moods and concerns, brilliant and natural with the girls and the best bit is he is a brilliant cook.
So we didn't win the lottery this week, but who needs it when you are happy? I can't remember such practical support from anyone when I've been trying to work. Its been so nice to get on and do today without the stresses of worrying that the girls are bored or getting into trouble and trying to reconcile it all with someone who just wants to sit in front of a play station all day.
Went to the Church fete yesterday which was really nice, Dad and Jacqui met us there and were quite chatty with Robin which is always a good sign. I'm really not sure what to do with a boyfriend that my Dad likes, its never happened before!
Well, I'd best get back to doing some work, before we need to go out and visit the family.
This whole senario is strange, and I love every minute of it. The more time I spend with Robin and the more he interacts with the family the more I love him. He is understanding of my moods and concerns, brilliant and natural with the girls and the best bit is he is a brilliant cook.
So we didn't win the lottery this week, but who needs it when you are happy? I can't remember such practical support from anyone when I've been trying to work. Its been so nice to get on and do today without the stresses of worrying that the girls are bored or getting into trouble and trying to reconcile it all with someone who just wants to sit in front of a play station all day.
Went to the Church fete yesterday which was really nice, Dad and Jacqui met us there and were quite chatty with Robin which is always a good sign. I'm really not sure what to do with a boyfriend that my Dad likes, its never happened before!
Well, I'd best get back to doing some work, before we need to go out and visit the family.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Family Life
For one reason or another, mainly his work related, Robin has been living with us for the last week. Which actually hasn't been as bad as you might have thought, given that he is a confirmed bachelor and not used to living with children.
What he has taught all of us though is how to be a family. Never before have we played board games together, read together or gone out for walks and outings together in such a "family" way.
Previous relationships have involved an internal conflict for me as to which role I am playing - mother, lover, friend etc. But for the first time there are no pre-defined roles, I just AM. And it is good and its ok, and its working.
I finally feel like I'm with someone who completes me. When I am down he takes over, protects me and sorts things out, and in return I do my best to support him and help him cope with the crap that his work demise is causing at the moment.
though I'm not sure how much my hugs are helping, but they are plentiful and meaningful.
Something else I've noticed in myself in this relationship which is quite a departure for me, is a feeling of maturity. A few things have happened which normally would have had me acting like a spoilt child and stamping my feet. Instead, I've been self aware and reacted differently. The end result has been much better and far nicer to live with, so perhaps there is something to this growing up after all.
So overall, life is good. The money concerns are still there, I still don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, what direction I want to take, but I'm loved, I love someone dearly, the sex is great and getting better all the time, and the girls are happy. AND...I've laughed more in the last couple of months than I have done for a couple of years.
What more could a girl ask for?
What he has taught all of us though is how to be a family. Never before have we played board games together, read together or gone out for walks and outings together in such a "family" way.
Previous relationships have involved an internal conflict for me as to which role I am playing - mother, lover, friend etc. But for the first time there are no pre-defined roles, I just AM. And it is good and its ok, and its working.
I finally feel like I'm with someone who completes me. When I am down he takes over, protects me and sorts things out, and in return I do my best to support him and help him cope with the crap that his work demise is causing at the moment.
though I'm not sure how much my hugs are helping, but they are plentiful and meaningful.
Something else I've noticed in myself in this relationship which is quite a departure for me, is a feeling of maturity. A few things have happened which normally would have had me acting like a spoilt child and stamping my feet. Instead, I've been self aware and reacted differently. The end result has been much better and far nicer to live with, so perhaps there is something to this growing up after all.
So overall, life is good. The money concerns are still there, I still don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, what direction I want to take, but I'm loved, I love someone dearly, the sex is great and getting better all the time, and the girls are happy. AND...I've laughed more in the last couple of months than I have done for a couple of years.
What more could a girl ask for?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Funny little things
Its strange somehow how things work out, I finally did the right thing and told the girls that their Dad didn't want to see them, something I'd been putting off for a while, so as not to hurt them even more. And instead it was a positive thing. I feel like a chapter in their lives and mine is now closed and we can move forward.
It doesn't take away the pain and hurt that they are feeling as well as the rejection, but at least it is all in the open and there is no deception now.
I finally feel like I am free of the black shadow that had been hanging over my life called Fred.
I guess its like finally starting to trust God, and giving up things to him, only to have more freedom than you had before.
....
There is something truly nice about coming home from an evening out to someone you love. Even if they aren't in a good place at the moment or they have had a crap day and you need to support them when you get in, its still nice to come in and have a hug and a kiss and feel the warmth of someone caring that you are home again.
Not that I would have wished the situation that has arisen to have done so, but the upshot and the benefit of it is that Robin is here tonight and for a bit, and I got to go out and come home to him tonight. Lovely.
It doesn't take away the pain and hurt that they are feeling as well as the rejection, but at least it is all in the open and there is no deception now.
I finally feel like I am free of the black shadow that had been hanging over my life called Fred.
I guess its like finally starting to trust God, and giving up things to him, only to have more freedom than you had before.
....
There is something truly nice about coming home from an evening out to someone you love. Even if they aren't in a good place at the moment or they have had a crap day and you need to support them when you get in, its still nice to come in and have a hug and a kiss and feel the warmth of someone caring that you are home again.
Not that I would have wished the situation that has arisen to have done so, but the upshot and the benefit of it is that Robin is here tonight and for a bit, and I got to go out and come home to him tonight. Lovely.
Monday, July 05, 2004
Sunday Nights & Monday Mornings
Sunday nights seem to be getting harder and harder... I feel it starting to well on a Sunday afternoon. I guess I understand a bit more now how it was for Fred when I used to have to go back to uni and leave him at home. It was hell leaving but I'm not convinced the staying behind is any better.
I miss Robin already, and although its only a few days till I see him again, it is a few days too long. It was 10 o'clock last night before he left, and neither of us wanted it to happen. I did feel a bit guilty for hanging onto him for so long, especially as he had the long drive home.
The weekend was lovely, although the girls were little cows. If one could upset the other they did, if they could find something to complain about they did. By the end of Saturday evening I was fit to kill them. We'd been out all day and they were horrible. I made a cup of tea and sat on the sofa, Robin lay with his legs over my lap effectively pinning me down. Its just as well, as there were several times they were lucky I couldn't get up to sort them out.
The feeling of bliss when they went to bed was wonderful.
Yesterday wasn't much better, we refused to take them out anywhere nice as they had been so horrible, and they spent a fair while having to take it in turns to go to their room as they continued to be horrible.
Its the little things though that make the difference... I took the girls to church in the morning and asked Robin to put the chicken in the oven. I didn't have to talk him through how to do it, what temp to put the oven on or what time to put it in or anything. It was brilliant, not to mention beautifully cooked. He'd even known to cook it upside down so it would be really tender. Next weekend we've challenged him to cook lunch for us, to have it ready for when we come back from church. I get the feeling that it is going to be better than my cooking, which is even better as he could just get a job for life!
Not to mention the fact that he probably can do a mean Yorkshire pudding and I really can't!
I'm off to coffee this afternoon with someone from my alpha course, which I'm looking forward to, but also am a bit apprehensive about... New people, new places sort of thing. But it is nice to start to get to know someone else from church too. She is a lovely lady and really kind so I'm sure it will be fine.
Lets just hope the little darlings are better this evening when I pick them up from school.
I miss Robin already, and although its only a few days till I see him again, it is a few days too long. It was 10 o'clock last night before he left, and neither of us wanted it to happen. I did feel a bit guilty for hanging onto him for so long, especially as he had the long drive home.
The weekend was lovely, although the girls were little cows. If one could upset the other they did, if they could find something to complain about they did. By the end of Saturday evening I was fit to kill them. We'd been out all day and they were horrible. I made a cup of tea and sat on the sofa, Robin lay with his legs over my lap effectively pinning me down. Its just as well, as there were several times they were lucky I couldn't get up to sort them out.
The feeling of bliss when they went to bed was wonderful.
Yesterday wasn't much better, we refused to take them out anywhere nice as they had been so horrible, and they spent a fair while having to take it in turns to go to their room as they continued to be horrible.
Its the little things though that make the difference... I took the girls to church in the morning and asked Robin to put the chicken in the oven. I didn't have to talk him through how to do it, what temp to put the oven on or what time to put it in or anything. It was brilliant, not to mention beautifully cooked. He'd even known to cook it upside down so it would be really tender. Next weekend we've challenged him to cook lunch for us, to have it ready for when we come back from church. I get the feeling that it is going to be better than my cooking, which is even better as he could just get a job for life!
Not to mention the fact that he probably can do a mean Yorkshire pudding and I really can't!
I'm off to coffee this afternoon with someone from my alpha course, which I'm looking forward to, but also am a bit apprehensive about... New people, new places sort of thing. But it is nice to start to get to know someone else from church too. She is a lovely lady and really kind so I'm sure it will be fine.
Lets just hope the little darlings are better this evening when I pick them up from school.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Insurance !!!
Had a lovely weekend being a family with Robin and the girls, it was great. From the little things like the hugs to the bigger things, it was really really good to have someone to share things with.
What wasn't so good was the trip to the therapist on Tuesday. I had lots of things going round in my head about Fred and the girls, but I came away with none of them answered and the feeling that she hadn't helped in any way. I came home completely shattered, I was so drained, it was like my body shut down. Yesterday was a bit similar but thankfully today is a bit better.
Had a bit of a shock yesterday when I called the insurance company to do something about paying the extra on my premium having moved up here (bit late I hear, but what the hell) to be told by a lovely lady that my renewal was coming up and it is due on the 8th July. What a shock, I really thought it wasn't due till September.
Then today I went online to see what sort of price I could find. Well, I'm glad I was sitting down is all I can say, the price has about trebled. There's no way I can find the money to pay it. I don't quite know what to do, but I guess that a call to dear old Dad is in order.
Some days I just want to give up and not bother any more, it seems that the more I try and move forward, the further behind I get. Roll on tomorrow evening when I can give Robin a hug and help him with his worries and forget about mine.
What wasn't so good was the trip to the therapist on Tuesday. I had lots of things going round in my head about Fred and the girls, but I came away with none of them answered and the feeling that she hadn't helped in any way. I came home completely shattered, I was so drained, it was like my body shut down. Yesterday was a bit similar but thankfully today is a bit better.
Had a bit of a shock yesterday when I called the insurance company to do something about paying the extra on my premium having moved up here (bit late I hear, but what the hell) to be told by a lovely lady that my renewal was coming up and it is due on the 8th July. What a shock, I really thought it wasn't due till September.
Then today I went online to see what sort of price I could find. Well, I'm glad I was sitting down is all I can say, the price has about trebled. There's no way I can find the money to pay it. I don't quite know what to do, but I guess that a call to dear old Dad is in order.
Some days I just want to give up and not bother any more, it seems that the more I try and move forward, the further behind I get. Roll on tomorrow evening when I can give Robin a hug and help him with his worries and forget about mine.
Friday, June 25, 2004
TFIF :)
Well, thank goodness its Friday and the weekend is upon us. I would like to say the prospect of a lay in tomorrow was big on the agenda, but as I have to leave the house by 9.45 with the girls, I'm not sure how much of a lay in I'll get!
But the good news is that I get to have snuggles and stuff with Robin later.
The girls are really looking forward to his arrival, and they aren't the only ones!
After my navel gazing yesterday I realized a thing or two. One of them being that I do want this relationship with Robin to "Work" and the only thing holding it back is me. So I'm going to stop being negative about what might or might not happen, sit back and enjoy the ride.
After all, you never know where it might lead.
I do know that I miss him when he isn't here and I think about him a lot during the day till I can speak to him at night. I love his body not only for the sexy bits but also for the cuddles and snuggles. I like the way he understands me and listens well... All of which add up to a good thing really.
Had a lovely afternoon in school with the girls. There was a travelling theatre company in doing a science play about walking to school and thinking of the environment. It was real fun and I think the children learnt a lot. It was lovely to be back in class with a pair of scissors in my hands after helping the children with activities... I almost miss the Rainbows I used to help out with... But not that much.
But the good news is that I get to have snuggles and stuff with Robin later.
The girls are really looking forward to his arrival, and they aren't the only ones!
After my navel gazing yesterday I realized a thing or two. One of them being that I do want this relationship with Robin to "Work" and the only thing holding it back is me. So I'm going to stop being negative about what might or might not happen, sit back and enjoy the ride.
After all, you never know where it might lead.
I do know that I miss him when he isn't here and I think about him a lot during the day till I can speak to him at night. I love his body not only for the sexy bits but also for the cuddles and snuggles. I like the way he understands me and listens well... All of which add up to a good thing really.
Had a lovely afternoon in school with the girls. There was a travelling theatre company in doing a science play about walking to school and thinking of the environment. It was real fun and I think the children learnt a lot. It was lovely to be back in class with a pair of scissors in my hands after helping the children with activities... I almost miss the Rainbows I used to help out with... But not that much.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Ups and downs
Maybe its the change in the weather or something, but I seem to be all over the place at the moment. I feel hopelessly out of control with most things in my life. From eating to money to relationships, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm heading.
Now most of you would say what's the problem with that? But for me its like an alcoholic suddenly being made to go dry. I'm usually so in control of my life, with long term plans mapped out for years to come, that this whole stage of my life is frightening.
So perhaps I should narrow down what is scaring me and find a resolution one step at a time.
Money .... Why does it seem to need to go out faster than it comes in? I still have a generous spirit and like to have the nice things in life, do things for others that usually involves money...Etc and so on. But I know the reality is that I can't continue to do so, I have got to get a grip on my finances and learn to budget. The trouble is that whenever I feel up to doing so I panic and want to bury my head in the sand. I think being on my own and in charge of the household is just scaring me big style, but so far I'm muddling along. The trouble is I don't want to be muddling along, I want to be in control. (Ok, so I know I'm submissive in bed, but it doesn't stop me wanting control in the rest of my life) Thank God I can't get a credit card, at least that is one temptation out of the way.
Which leads me onto relationships. There's this cute guy, who is wonderful and seems to be everything that I could want. But.... I thought that with Cris and look how that turned out! I'll give you that his attitude is very different to Cris and that you can't judge all men the same just because of one or two bad apples.
Robin is wonderful with the girls and keen to be part of their life properly, we've joked about him working abroad and us living with him over there, a fantastic idea, but everything frightens me. I moved from Shepperton to Orpington for Cris, made a new life for him and look what happened. He decided HE didn't love me and that was that. What if the same thing happens again? I can't keep picking myself up and starting again. I don't think I've got the energy to do so.
Even being in a relationship is scaring me to death, I worry about the effect it is having on the children, am I teaching them to sleep about, and that its ok to have continual short term relationships? It doesn't bode well for them as they get older, I'd rather be teaching them to have one long monogamous relationship for life. Old fashioned ideals maybe, but non the less, ones that I would rather they grew up with. Not only that, but my heart feels so battered that I don't know how it would cope if it were hurt again. I'm scared to open up and admit feelings (even to myself) in case it all goes wrong and I'm left alone again. But on the other hand how fair is it to a relationship if I don't really try and let loose with my emotions.
Which all sounds really negative when in reality I want to run headlong down the path of happiness, love and commitment to someone. I just don't want to do so and get hurt again in the process. I want to love and be loved, to care for someone else on a deep level. I want to be their life and have them be mine, to give myself completely to them. But letting go of old hurts and pains is so hard, each step fought along the way, but I will not give up and let my past destroy my future. It is in the past and will stay there, I am in the present and I have the future ahead of me.
Anyway, time to wrap up the navel gazing session and head over to Jacqui's to see what the man from Moben can come up with for their kitchen. She needs back up and support as she is not signing on any dotted line today!
Now most of you would say what's the problem with that? But for me its like an alcoholic suddenly being made to go dry. I'm usually so in control of my life, with long term plans mapped out for years to come, that this whole stage of my life is frightening.
So perhaps I should narrow down what is scaring me and find a resolution one step at a time.
Money .... Why does it seem to need to go out faster than it comes in? I still have a generous spirit and like to have the nice things in life, do things for others that usually involves money...Etc and so on. But I know the reality is that I can't continue to do so, I have got to get a grip on my finances and learn to budget. The trouble is that whenever I feel up to doing so I panic and want to bury my head in the sand. I think being on my own and in charge of the household is just scaring me big style, but so far I'm muddling along. The trouble is I don't want to be muddling along, I want to be in control. (Ok, so I know I'm submissive in bed, but it doesn't stop me wanting control in the rest of my life) Thank God I can't get a credit card, at least that is one temptation out of the way.
Which leads me onto relationships. There's this cute guy, who is wonderful and seems to be everything that I could want. But.... I thought that with Cris and look how that turned out! I'll give you that his attitude is very different to Cris and that you can't judge all men the same just because of one or two bad apples.
Robin is wonderful with the girls and keen to be part of their life properly, we've joked about him working abroad and us living with him over there, a fantastic idea, but everything frightens me. I moved from Shepperton to Orpington for Cris, made a new life for him and look what happened. He decided HE didn't love me and that was that. What if the same thing happens again? I can't keep picking myself up and starting again. I don't think I've got the energy to do so.
Even being in a relationship is scaring me to death, I worry about the effect it is having on the children, am I teaching them to sleep about, and that its ok to have continual short term relationships? It doesn't bode well for them as they get older, I'd rather be teaching them to have one long monogamous relationship for life. Old fashioned ideals maybe, but non the less, ones that I would rather they grew up with. Not only that, but my heart feels so battered that I don't know how it would cope if it were hurt again. I'm scared to open up and admit feelings (even to myself) in case it all goes wrong and I'm left alone again. But on the other hand how fair is it to a relationship if I don't really try and let loose with my emotions.
Which all sounds really negative when in reality I want to run headlong down the path of happiness, love and commitment to someone. I just don't want to do so and get hurt again in the process. I want to love and be loved, to care for someone else on a deep level. I want to be their life and have them be mine, to give myself completely to them. But letting go of old hurts and pains is so hard, each step fought along the way, but I will not give up and let my past destroy my future. It is in the past and will stay there, I am in the present and I have the future ahead of me.
Anyway, time to wrap up the navel gazing session and head over to Jacqui's to see what the man from Moben can come up with for their kitchen. She needs back up and support as she is not signing on any dotted line today!
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Trains
Had a wonderful weekend, despite the initial disappointment of Dad not being able to have the girls on Saturday night as planned. So instead of being able to have a half of Saturday and all of Saturday night together childless, we had to work around the girls. Which actually worked out really well.
I was a bit nervous as the girls hadn't met Robin before, and while I might find him cute and cuddly, and generally lovely, there is no telling what children will come out with - especially when they are 6 & 7 and don't know what should and shouldn't be said. So they went off for their brownie outing and he came over, we got our time together without them, and then went and picked them up together.
Our time together on Saturday afternoon was wonderful, everything I had been waiting for to come together happened, we had good sex, enjoyed each others bodies, and then had some more sex. I couldn't believe how horny I was feeling and how much my body wanted his. Every movement was fantastic....
What was also lovely was the time spend just laying in each others arms talking and holding each other. I was very surprised to hear him tell me that he was starting to develop strong feelings for me. After all he had said about his previous treatment at the hands of the female population, I was expecting him to be a lot more reserved for much longer, if at all. Strangely I'd been talking to a friend on Friday who asked me how I felt about Robin and I'd had to admit for the first time to myself that I too was starting to feel something for him. I didn't leap in with a reply on Saturday, as I wanted to really get it straight in my head and be certain... Especially as I hadn't seen him with the girls by then. It was really hard to get the words out to tell him this evening how I did feel. I was so scared about rejection and being hurt again in some way, but something was compelling me to tell him, so I did.
As it happens, I needn't have worried about the girls, they took to him fairly instantly and all went well. Left him in bed for a lay in this morning while we went to church for Katherine's singing group recital (how green was I as I left the house)
Went for a drive this afternoon to see if we could see some trains and find somewhere to walk the children (really its like having a dog, they need regular exercise or they are horrible.)
Found the railway that runs between keighley and oxenhope(?) not completely convinced it was by accident as Robin had looked at the map before we went out! But you should have seen his eyes light up when he realised it was a diesel weekend.... It was like a child at Christmas. So we went from just having a look and a walk about, to actually having a ride on the trains.
The girls had a lovely time, Robin was brilliant with them and really made them part of the outing, not just a nuisance as they have been looked on in the past. I even caught myself being interested in some of the older trains that we had a look at in an engine shed.... I like my trains to have steam.
Got home and got tea done, we were all completely shattered, but that good type of shattered that you get at the end of a lovely weekend. The girls were in bed and out for the count by 7.20!
The hard part was saying goodbye to Robin and not being able to see him till next week. I will miss being held tightly in his arms. But at least I get to talk to him on the phone, and the way my week is shaping up, it could be a bit hectic here, again!
Off to bed now, need some sleep ready for the next bout of life this week and all it holds for me.
I was a bit nervous as the girls hadn't met Robin before, and while I might find him cute and cuddly, and generally lovely, there is no telling what children will come out with - especially when they are 6 & 7 and don't know what should and shouldn't be said. So they went off for their brownie outing and he came over, we got our time together without them, and then went and picked them up together.
Our time together on Saturday afternoon was wonderful, everything I had been waiting for to come together happened, we had good sex, enjoyed each others bodies, and then had some more sex. I couldn't believe how horny I was feeling and how much my body wanted his. Every movement was fantastic....
What was also lovely was the time spend just laying in each others arms talking and holding each other. I was very surprised to hear him tell me that he was starting to develop strong feelings for me. After all he had said about his previous treatment at the hands of the female population, I was expecting him to be a lot more reserved for much longer, if at all. Strangely I'd been talking to a friend on Friday who asked me how I felt about Robin and I'd had to admit for the first time to myself that I too was starting to feel something for him. I didn't leap in with a reply on Saturday, as I wanted to really get it straight in my head and be certain... Especially as I hadn't seen him with the girls by then. It was really hard to get the words out to tell him this evening how I did feel. I was so scared about rejection and being hurt again in some way, but something was compelling me to tell him, so I did.
As it happens, I needn't have worried about the girls, they took to him fairly instantly and all went well. Left him in bed for a lay in this morning while we went to church for Katherine's singing group recital (how green was I as I left the house)
Went for a drive this afternoon to see if we could see some trains and find somewhere to walk the children (really its like having a dog, they need regular exercise or they are horrible.)
Found the railway that runs between keighley and oxenhope(?) not completely convinced it was by accident as Robin had looked at the map before we went out! But you should have seen his eyes light up when he realised it was a diesel weekend.... It was like a child at Christmas. So we went from just having a look and a walk about, to actually having a ride on the trains.
The girls had a lovely time, Robin was brilliant with them and really made them part of the outing, not just a nuisance as they have been looked on in the past. I even caught myself being interested in some of the older trains that we had a look at in an engine shed.... I like my trains to have steam.
Got home and got tea done, we were all completely shattered, but that good type of shattered that you get at the end of a lovely weekend. The girls were in bed and out for the count by 7.20!
The hard part was saying goodbye to Robin and not being able to see him till next week. I will miss being held tightly in his arms. But at least I get to talk to him on the phone, and the way my week is shaping up, it could be a bit hectic here, again!
Off to bed now, need some sleep ready for the next bout of life this week and all it holds for me.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Retail Therapy!!!!
I'm off to the IKEA sale today, can't wait. I'm hoping for some kind of miracle to enable me to buy several huge bookcases for all our books on a very limited budget! it might happen you never know, stranger things have been known to come about!
Even if I don't achieve it though, it will be good to get out, and spend some time with Jacqui. I hadn't realised how I'd missed her and got used to having someone to chat to while I lived with her at Dad's.
Managed to get a really sexy pair of shoes off ebay yesterday, can't wait for them to arrive - actually more to the point I can't wait to wear them for Robin with black seamed stockings.... and to see the effect it has on him!
Been a busy couple of days, dealing with all sorts of things I've been putting off for too long, but it has been positive and a lot of good things have come out of it, all to show that perhaps I shouldn't use the head in the sand approach to deal with things.
Oh well, off to take the girls to school in the rain, hopefully that will keep a few shoppers away and I can have more of a free run at the bargins!
Found this on another log yesterday and thought it was really neat, so I've included it here. The artwork is fantastic and the comments surprisingly accurate too!
You are a slave
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Even if I don't achieve it though, it will be good to get out, and spend some time with Jacqui. I hadn't realised how I'd missed her and got used to having someone to chat to while I lived with her at Dad's.
Managed to get a really sexy pair of shoes off ebay yesterday, can't wait for them to arrive - actually more to the point I can't wait to wear them for Robin with black seamed stockings.... and to see the effect it has on him!
Been a busy couple of days, dealing with all sorts of things I've been putting off for too long, but it has been positive and a lot of good things have come out of it, all to show that perhaps I shouldn't use the head in the sand approach to deal with things.
Oh well, off to take the girls to school in the rain, hopefully that will keep a few shoppers away and I can have more of a free run at the bargins!
Found this on another log yesterday and thought it was really neat, so I've included it here. The artwork is fantastic and the comments surprisingly accurate too!
You are a slave
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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